Link on Trial
by Anuman
Summary: This is an interesting idea that came out of nowhere for me. What if, instead of Ganondorf instead of trying to destroy Link, decided to sue him instead? I've decided to do this as a comedy in play format, since 90 percent of the play will mostly be in
1. Default Chapter

LINK ON TRIAL  
  
ACT I: Scene One  
  
(Setting: The play opens up to an open court trial. The courtroom is jammed full of familiar Zelda characters, and the jury is likewise. Everyone is dressed in very formal business attire. The room is loud with conversation. We see three Moblins dressed as guards on duty. Near the front of the court we see Ganondorf sharply dressed in firmly pressed black- pin stripped Italian suit, sitting by himself at his table. He is tapping his fingers impatiently, waiting for the trial to begin. On the opposing side we see Link, who is, oddly enough the only exception in the dress code dressed in his normal green tunic and apparel. He looks around the room for several minutes, and then twiddles his thumbs in boredom. Next to him is Navi, his trusted fairy, looking over several documents from her briefcase, which is opened beside her. All of the sudden the room quiets down when the bailiff, Darunia, walks to the front of the court.)  
  
ENTER Bailiff  
  
Darunia: (Pompously) All rise for the Honorable Judge Raura, sage of light.  
  
ENTER Raura (He walks into his booth and sits down with a sigh. Several moments pass, and he rests his chin on his hand. Everyone waits and begins to bore.)  
  
Darunia: Sir? (No reply) Sir? (Raura slumps down) Sir? SIR!  
  
Raura: (Suddenly startled.) What? Yes? Oh yeah, I'm still here. (Sighs) Like I have anything better to do. (He waits for moment and mutters something about this is going to suck balls. The rest of the courtroom once again bores. They chat amongst themselves. Suddenly out of nowhere a large cracking is heard. Everyone jumps from their seats.) COURT IS NOW IN (pauses) SESSION!  
  
(The whole room is uplifted in excitement from Raura's large roar.)  
  
Darunia: (Reads from clipboard) On the plaintiff is Ganondorf, representing him is...  
  
Ganondorf: Myself.  
  
Bean Sales Man: (Raising hand from back of the room.) Is that legal?  
  
Ganondorf: Well, is public nudity legal in this land? (No reply.) Yes it is.  
  
(The room ahs and shake their heads in enlightenment.)  
  
Ganondorf's Inner Monolouge: Superb, the fools are imperceptive to my ersatz learnedness of Hylianian law. They shall fall into my hands like pawns from a... GAME OF CHESS! Yes, it will be precisely so. Soon, I will eliminate the very essence of their souls. MUHAHA!  
  
(The room gasps in fear.)  
  
Ganondorf: (Shaking his head) No, you see, that was my inner monologue. You can't hear it.  
  
(Various agreements to his statements are said by the people in the room and shake their heads in approval.)  
  
Ganondorf's Inner Monologue: This is even easier than expected. Everyone in the room is a fool! All shall perish at my hand! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!  
  
(The room gasps again.)  
  
Gandondorf: (Quickly) Can't hear it.  
  
(The room agrees once more.)  
  
Ganondorf's Inner Monologue: How dense can these people be?  
  
Darunia: Acting as Ganondorf's lawyer is....Gandondorf. He charges the defendant, Link, with the vandalizing his property, several acts of murder, grand theft of several precious artifacts and items, larceny, and on the account of scaring children because he's so goddessd!&n ugly. Have you ever noticed (turns page) how ugly his choice of colors are. Also, what kind of a man wears a dress? I just want to....  
  
Raura: We get the point.  
  
Darunia: And Rarua is no prize picnic himself. My mother looks more like a man than he does.  
  
Raura: Darunia, stop!  
  
Darunia: Why don't you shut up?  
  
Raura: You are bringing disorder to the court. I order you...  
  
Darunia: Sir please don't it. I merely stated Ganondorf's charges!  
  
Raura: Ganon, what meaning does insulting me and the court hold.  
  
Ganondorf: It's just a little creative writing I did in my spare time.  
  
Raura: Very well then. Please continue Darunia. Never mind it's my turn. Link, how do you plea?  
  
Navi: Your honor, he pleads innocent to the charges.  
  
Ganondorf: Finish the rest.  
  
Navi: The rest of what?  
  
Ganondorf: What do you mean, "The rest of what." The rest of your cookie! Man, you people are dense. You should finish the charges he is innocent to.  
  
Navi: Your honor, he is insulting my client!  
  
Raura: I'm afraid you must finish.  
  
Navi: (Annoyed) Fine, I'll comply. He is innocent to the vandalization of Ganondorf's property, several acts of murder, grand theft horsery, larceny, and on the account of scary children because he's so goddessd!&n ugly. Have you ever noticed how ugly his choices of colors are? Also, what kind of a man wears a dress? I just want to.... (pause) You interrupted Darunia here your honor, but I will go on. Ahem, And Rarua is no prize picnic himself. My mother looks more like a man than he does.  
  
Raura: Hold your tounge!  
  
Navi: (Defiantly) why don't you shut up? There! I'm finished your honor.  
  
(Ganondorf grins widely at the chaos he just caused.)  
  
Raura: (Steamed) we need to tell ourselves to calm down. The sooner we get on with the trial; the sooner will get it over with. Ganondorf, bring your first witness to the stand!  
  
Ganondorf: With pleasure, my first witness is ... MIDO! 


	2. Link On Trial Act I: Scne 2

LINK ON TRIAL  
  
Act I: Scene 2  
  
(ENTER Mido, dressed in a green blazer. Following him is his fairy)  
  
Mido: (Impatiently) Okay, I'm here. What do you want me to do?  
  
Darunia: (Picks up a rather large book) Place your right hand on the ancient book of Hylian creation and law, the book of Mudora, and say the usual.  
  
Mido: What usual? I have no clue what's the system here. I'm from the forest.  
  
Darunia: (Confused) F-ORE-S-T? What's that?  
  
Mido: A place surrounded by trees.  
  
Darunia: (Even more so confused) Trees? What are trees?  
  
Mido: You can't be serious. How thick are you Gorons? You're as about as dense as a deku nut.  
  
Darunia: Nut?  
  
Mido: Never mind, tell me what to say..  
  
Darunia: (He seems slightly glazed over by the facts about forests.) Sure, (snaps out of it) do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Din, goddess of fire and power, Farore, goddess of wind and wisdom, and Nayrua goddess (coughs loudly for a couple of seconds) of courage. Otherwise, may my soul rot in the deseret for all eternity.  
  
Mido: You can't be serious. You expect me to say all of...  
  
Darunia: My eyes to burn, my heart to break, my feet to grow icky calluses, my family to plagued with the bubonic plague, my village to be over ran with ravage, savage, possessed, mean-hearted, disrespectable.  
  
Mido: I'll recite it. I guess . . .  
  
Darunia: Most evil, god forsakened creature ever: THE CUCKOU!  
  
(The crowd gasps in fear. Malon faints. Her father, Talon, helps her to her feet.)  
  
Mido: You can't expect me to bring such a curse upon the forest. (He catches himself and looks around the room.) Not that I would lie, so that Link would be imprisoned and I have a chance to score with Saria. (The court looks at him.) I couldn't bring myself to it! I can't falsely accuse Link. It's against my morals! We were best of buds when he was a kid!  
  
Rauru: If you expect us to trust you then say the sacred oath! (A herald of choir like music is heard in the distance.)  
  
Mido: (Sweating feverishly) I'll do it. I swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Din, goddess of fire and power, Farore, goddess of wind and wisdom, and Nayrua goddess (coughs loudly to emulate Darunia) of courage. Otherwise, may my soul rot in the deseret for all eternity. My eyes to burn, my heart to break, my feet to grow icky calluses, my family to plagued with the bubonic plague, my village to be over ran with ravage, savage, possessed, mean-hearted, disrespectable, most evil, god forsaken creature ever: THE CUCKOU!  
  
Malon: (Regains consciousness briefly) NOOOO! (She faints once more.)  
  
Raura: Good, now you can't lie. For you have taken the sacred oath. (Another herald of choir like music is heard in the distance.) Ganondorf, please begin your questioning of the witness.  
  
Ganondorf: It shall be my extreme pleasure. Mido, please to us in awesome superb detail what Link did before leaving the Koriki forest.  
  
Mido: It started when the great Hero of Time, Link began to act up in the forest. He was always a little uppity. But ever since he got a "destiny" we all became like crap to him. Shows how much he cares, the little bas... bass guitar playing guy, because he, uh, played bass or something while in Terminia. (He adlibs, trying to cover himself)  
  
Ganondorf: Cough, sword, cough.  
  
Mido: Getting back to my main point, one day he decided to steal our sword! A beloved treasure to the forest.  
  
Ganondorf: Could you please describe this sword to us. Spare no detail.  
  
Mido: Yes, it was small and stubby. Small so you could stab people with its stubbiness, or extremely stubby so you could poke people with its smallness. The very design is absolute genius. It took years for our people to develop the weapon. So precious was its smallness and stubbiness, we decided to put it in chest to make sure the blade would remain whetted. To make sure it still remained upon to the public, we put it behind a clove with ever-rolling boulders behind an impossibly small tunnel, which is the usual custom of our people.  
  
Ganondorf: Jury, please take note of what he just said. Especially the part about Mido's sword being small and stubby. (Snickers traverse around the courtroom, and Mido becomes insulted.) Excuse me, I meant the Koriki sword, not Mido's sword.  
  
Darunia: Zing!  
  
Ganondorf: Now Mido, could you please describe to us what happened after Link stole the sword.  
  
Mido: I was protecting the entrance to the Deku Tree's Lair, and Link threatened me with the beloved Koriki sword! (He starts to cry.) And when he came back, the Deku tree was dead! He killed it! I tried to stop him, but he left the forest. That's when I relinquished my pursuit of him, because at the time I thought Link would die after when leaving the forest, like all Koriki (He regains his composure). It turns out he was Hylian, the stupid wank.  
  
Navi: Wait, if Koriki can't leave the forest, then how did you get in this courtroom?  
  
Mido: (Confused) Why, I don't know. In fact I shouldn't...  
  
(POP! Mido suddenly disappears from existence. The whole court room looks around in shock)  
  
Ganondorf: Sh#t, the little devil must have thought himself out of existence. Unless... (He walks to Darunia and opens his mouth.) Da*n. He isn't in there (closes it). Your honor, I'm done questing the witness.  
  
Rarua: Huh? (He snaps out of his daydream.) Oh, Navi you may proceed to cross-examine the witness.  
  
Navi: (Stressed) This is going to be a long day.  
  
End of Act I: Scene II 


	3. Link on Trial Act I: Scene 3

Act I: Scene III  
  
(The Scene opens where everyone last left off. Ganondorf has just finished his questioning after Mido, and Mido has thought himself out of existence. Raura, asking Navi to question Mido, flusters her with his incompetence on the case.)  
  
Navi: (Peeved) Your Honor, Mido is dead or goddess-knows-what. Have you been paying the slightest attention to this case?  
  
Raura: (Dazed) What now? (Looks around briefly.) Oh, I must have dazed off again, unless a trial is really interesting or if its mildly funny, I don't give a d#mn.  
  
Navi: Sir, this is the trial of the century! Everyone will be watching it on national television.  
  
Raura: Trial of the what now?  
  
Navi: (Shakes her head) Never mind your honor, you're impossible. I'll just call my next witness...  
  
(Abruptly out of nowhere, Mido's fairy spins around in circles several times. She slowly disappears, and in her place is Mido.  
  
Navi: On second thought, I'll just question the previous witness.  
  
Raura: Yeah, you better or something. (Rests his head on his hand.)  
  
Mido: (Looks around the room and says in a child like voice.) Where am I?  
  
Navi: What do you mean, "Where am I?" You're in a courtroom. You've been here for the past fifteen minutes!  
  
Mido: I have?  
  
Navi: (Flies to Mido and inspects him.) You really don't remember, do you? (Pauses to think) Your honor, I ask that no one bring up to Mido his previous "incident." It may bring post-traumatic stress syndrome.  
  
(Ganondorf's eyes light up and he upons his mouth to speak.)  
  
Navi: No you don't! (She flies over and slaps him.)  
  
Ganondorf: Owe! You son of a ...  
  
Navi: Your honor may I request that Ganondorf keep his mouth shut during my questioning.  
  
Raura: (Snores) Yes officer, just don't take my pants.  
  
Navi: (Confused) I'll take that as a yes.  
  
(Ganondorf almost begins to argue, but then he smiles deviously and sits down at his bench.)  
  
Navi: (Talking to Mido as if he were a child.) Okay Mido, we are going to play a game:  
  
Mido: We are! What is it?  
  
Navi: It's called answer the question. Here is how it is going to work. I'm going to ask you a question, and you'll answer it.  
  
Mido: Yippee! I like games.  
  
Astronomer: (Stands up from the jury. He is strangely wearing something that looks like a bathrobe.) Now wait, how do we know if this is the same Mido as before?  
  
Navi: Don't talk about him being in here for the first time. You could damage his fragile mind.  
  
Astronomer: We can not ignore that. If you question him, you may be breaking the law.  
  
Navi: What are you talking about? Your honor, could you please hold this man for disturbing my client? (She looks over to see that he is still sleeping) I guess I can't avoid you unless I get help from the sleeping block over there. Mido, cover your ears.  
  
Mido: Is this part of the game?  
  
Navi: Yes it is. (He covers his ears) What is so important Mr....?  
  
Astronomer: Don't bother asking. I'm just a plain old man from Terminia. An interesting thought accured to me when you were about to question the witness. He apparently has regressed to a childlike state and doesn't remember what has happened previously in the courtroom. Therefore, he is not the same Mido as before. Furthermore, since he is not the same Mido as he once was, he must take the sacred oath (another choir of song is heard and everyone looks around) again.  
  
Navi: Could you give him a break? He freaking disappeared from our plane of existence, and his mind can't handle remembering the sacred (looks around) oath (choir of music) da*n it. That noise is getting pretty annoying. Any ways, he will be unable to comply.  
  
Astronomer: We have had lame children who've recited the sacred oath (choir of music) before, and I shall once more bring up the point that this is not the same man as before! His mentality is completely different, so therefore he might lie when questioned this time.  
  
Navi: He's as innocent as someone who has never seen a goron naked for goddess's sake, besides Miss What-ever-her name will faint again.  
  
Malon: (In protest) I would not!  
  
Navi: (Looks over to her) You would too. You've done twice today. Now if I may proceed...  
  
Malon: (Daintily) I'm just a little light-headed today. I can cope with one little word.  
  
Navi: No, you can't. (Sighs) Your honor...  
  
Malon: Can too!  
  
(Navi tenses up and slowly flies over to her. She stops right in front of her face and waits there for several seconds.)  
  
Navi: (With a vengeance!) Cuckoo.  
  
Malon: Nooo! (She then faints and hits the ground with a large thudding sound.)  
  
Rarua: (Snapping up). What was that?  
  
Talon: (Rolls his eyes) Not again. (Bends over to pick her up.)  
  
Navi: (Flying back.) I have proven my point.  
  
Astronomer: You only proved that the Cukoo lady faints every time there is a mention's worth about the animal, and she did. Seeing how she is out for awhile, all will be safe when Mido recites the oath (choir of music.) Seeing that was the only reasonable excuse you could bring to me, tell the child to uncover his ears.  
  
Talon: She's waking up.  
  
Astronomer: Oh Din! No she isn't. Look at her, she's out cold.  
  
Talon: She's starting to come to. She looks much better. (Sits her up.)  
  
Astronomer: No...she's turning into a zombie from fainting four times in one day. Now Navi, make Mido say the oath!  
  
Talon: (Ignoring astronomer.) Its okay you're almost there. (Malon starts to stand up.  
  
Astronomer: (Coughs) Cukoo! (Malon faints). Thank the goddesses, I saved us all. Mido, uncover your ears!  
  
(Mido squirms in his seat and begins to uncover his ears.)  
  
Navi: Don't do it Mido!  
  
Raura: (Exploding) Shut up! Even I'm getting tired of both your b8tching. Here's a compromise. Mido doesn't need to say the sacred oath (choir of music.) All he and everyone else need to say is, "I do." That way they won't really be breaking the law, and I don't care what technicalities you bring up! (Yelling in a loud voice.) Case closed! Court is adjourned! (He begins to pound his gravel feverishly. People begin to vacate the court)  
  
Darunia: Sir?  
  
Raura: Crap, I mean court is not adjourned. Everyone, get back here. (Taps gravel slightly. He looks to Tingle.) You too... whatever the heck you are. I don't want to be here either. (Adlibs until everyone shuffles back into the court.)  
  
Navi: Your honor, it seems you had great change in attitude.  
  
Raura: No, I still hate this trial and everyone who's in it. When you were arguing with that guy who's wearing a bathrobe I remembered that I forgot to program my VCR to record the Indigos live in concert, and me explaining to you my change of heart has wasted another forty-five seconds of my life. (Silence.) What are you waiting for? Get going!  
  
Darunia: You could declare a brief recess. You would have more than ample time to get him.  
  
(Raura pauses for awhile. His face changes from that of deep thought to scorn.)  
  
Raura: Recess declared! (He hops from his podium and begins running to the door.) I'm gonna get me my vidi's! (Exits to the back.)  
  
(Everyone filters out of the courtroom exiting to the back. Ganondorf stays briefly to collect his papers.)  
  
Ganondorf: (Mutters) I can't even finish my evil plan. This is going to be a long day. (Exits.)  
  
(As the act ends, we see Mido is still on the witness stand, with his hands covering his ears, humming to himself.)  
  
End of Act I: Scene III 


End file.
